dear you who are missing your loved ones.

dear you who are missing your loved ones_2

Dear you,

You who are missing your loved ones. Especially those whom you can never ever hug again. Those whom you can never ever talk face-to-face with again. Yes, you who are constantly thinking about how life would be today if they haven’t left. You who once believed that “time will heal” only to find out that with time, you can only learn to grow stronger each day and try to accept the reality because without doing so, life will never move on. Yes, you, you who are longing for the day you will be able to see the beautiful faces of your loved ones whom you’ve missed everyday oh-so dearly. So, this is an open letter to you all. And, of course, to myself…

July 30th marks a year since my brother’s passing. Gosh, I miss him. It’s funny to think now that he’s not here anymore, I started to miss him, his smile, his ignorance, his mischief, and just about everything about him. So to speak, I miss him (and dad). A lot. I want to tell them all the things they are missing out on. I want to tell them about the places we have been and the accomplishments we made. (Hey, Tea just completed her first year of university, and I am about to graduate in a year, and mom has been going strong more than ever! You guys better throw us a party up there!!) I want to share with them how God has been so good and faithful all this time to our family.  I want to have one more conversation, one more laugh, one more meal, and one more sweet memory of us. I want to picture together with them where I’m heading towards in life, and the next steps I’m going to take. I’m sure you’d want to do the same thing too with your loved ones.

Most times when I think about Koko, I have this feeling of regret inside of me. I still remember how I rarely care about what he does as we were miles and miles apart. But truth to be told, I miss him now, more than ever. Maybe some of you would have known how it felt to take for granted each moment you have with your loved ones, and now ever since they were gone, you started to wish you could travel back in time and do it all over again. With a new perspective. But that is not the case with reality. Many times, I was left regretting the many times I’ve refused to go the extra mile to reach out to him. Regretting the many times I’ve been reluctant to play a game with him, when all he really wanted is just to spend time with his sister. One way or another, I’ve learned to go past beyond the regret and start to look at things from a different angle.

To embrace the moments that both of us had, and appreciate my todays surrounded by the people I hold dearly, right here, right now.

To tear up a little at good old memories, but to stay strong enough to come into a realization that at the end of the day, those are memories to be smiled upon with joy.

To imagine what it would be like to have them around still, but to keep my feet firm on the ground, not being too caught up by all the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve.

To want their companionship throughout many more milestone in my life, but to be grateful for all the times they’ve been and the impact they are to me.

To wish for their presence by my side, but most importantly, to find strength to fight our desires, knowing that this world is temporary and they are indeed now home.

“As unfair, unreasonable, and impossible as it seems, we still have work to do after a tragedy occurs. We still have roles to fill. We still have responsibilities to family and others. The stuff of life may pause for a while, but it doesn’t stop. Fair or not, that is reality.” – Cheryl McGuinness

So, dear you, you who are missing your loved ones, it is okay to miss someone. It is okay to have a yearning for their presence. It is okay to mourn and grief for a while. Don’t try to fight the urge to remember or miss them, but gain strength to live without them being physically present while glancing over the rear view mirror for a little snippet of those lovely memories once in a while. Miss them, cherish them, but don’t let all that pull you back from living your todays to the fullest and blur your eyes in seeing the people is around you all this time. Just like how Gandhi puts it, “you don’t know who is important to you until you actually lose them.”, let us cherish the people around us right here, right now, and not be found in a place where we are wishing to turn back the time. And for me, I’ve come to learn and to realize that this life on earth is so momentary, and that what I thought was mine wasn’t really mine to begin with – really, nothing ever belongs to us anyway. Day by day, I’m still eager to learn the fact that, experiencing loss is a part of experiencing life.

Keep the Positivity,
Kimberly Subianto

PS. Why the photo, you ask? It’s my brother’s jersey and thought it’d be nice to wear it! 😉



the sinkhole.

the sinkhole

It’s about time that I write another post – apologies for being MIA people. Not that I am busy or anything, I have been saying “later” to writing for the past several months and look at how long this has put me to! But anyway, I’m back, and hopefully will be back to the blogger world for a while!

Let me start by telling you a somewhat funny story, or at least in my opinion. So on Monday at around 11 AM, I was out on a City construction project site to do my weekly site visit. As I was walking doing my usual rounds, putting one step after another, one my foot just sunk deep into the fine-looking ground. I landed softly on the ground as one of my foot got stuck in the sinkhole of sand and water. I was able to pull out my foot just fine but my right leg is all soaked up in a think sandy fluid up to knee-high. Some of the construction guys were very nice and approached me with concern – they also offered me a pair of clean socks, etc. (THANKS GUYS!) Long story short, apparently, the water main underneath the ground was broken and so water has been leaking and causing the soil to soften, creating a sinkhole. One of the guys jokingly said that if I hadn’t stepped into it, they wouldn’t have known that the water main was actually broken haha. So it was actually one of those moments when I felt pretty good about making a discovery on site – though going through the hard way. I went home with two things on my mind that I was thankful about: One. Thank God I just got 1 foot on the sinkhole, imagine if it was both of them – cannot imagine how deep I would have sunk in! Two. Thank God it was the water main that was leaking and not the sewers – I absolutely don’t want to find my foot drenched in waste matter.

Why am I telling you this? Because me being me, I was reflecting on what happened on-site and was somewhat reminded of how we tend to live our lives. The ground looked fine at the surface, and yet, it wasn’t a strong foundation because there is something underneath that is broken. And is destructive. And at one point or another, it will sink. Isn’t that how we tend to live our lives? For the most part, we know we are imperfect and have brokenness in every corner of our hearts, but we never really are a big fan of exposing it and dealing with it. So instead, we pile up our brokenness with a load of good deeds that we do, a load of achievements that we worked hard for, a load of a bunch of other things that can wear us out. Just to cover up our imperfect self and seek approval from the outside world, hoping to look okay in the surface.

Don’t get me wrong. There is no doubt we still need to strive for righteousness, or you may want to call it ‘good deeds’, despite our brokenness, but when we do it out of the intention to hide who we really are deep down, it can be pretty dangerous. Just like how the sinkhole can grow even deeper if the broken water main was just left as if for weeks, or months, or years, we too can fall even deeper. So that afternoon got me thinking: wow, I have been doing that in some aspects in my life, trying to prove that I am not as broken as I actually am, trying to come up with all the rationale in the world to make myself believe that I am not doing too bad myself. Then I remembered this verse that serves a ton of encouragement to me:

“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

A daunting question came across my mind, then. What is so wrong about being broken anyway?! In a world where everyone seeks perfection, it seems pretty hard not to try to put a mask on what is broken. But I was put in a place of awe, knowing that Someone who has seen all our imperfections, all our failures, all our negative thoughts – yes, Someone who has seen it all, and yet, chose to stick around, to love us still and to even exchange all of our crap with His righteousness. If there is one thing I want all of us to be reminded of from this post, is that it is okay to be broken, and God has called us to come just as we are. No, there’s no pretending. There’s no hiding. There’s no covering up. He wants us as broken as we are.

Today, let us be overwhelmed by the love that He has for us in our brokenness. Let us not be in fear coming to Him with all the scars we may have and enjoy His never-ending grace that see past all our imperfections just to find beauty in us.

Instead of sinking in all the wearisome deeds we do to hide who we really are, let us sink in the mercy of Jesus Christ who loves and accepts broken people like us.

Instead of sinking in all the guilt that we have for not being so perfect, let us sink in the love Jesus Christ has acted upon as He bore our guilt on the cross.

Instead of sinking in the whole lot of list to do that may correspond to ‘acting righteously’, let us sink in the righteousness He has given over to us.

Instead of sinking in the fear of what others may think of us, let us sink in the confidence knowing that He who has seen it all accepted us as if we had never sinned.

Instead of sinking in the despair thinking that there is no hope for people like us, let us sink in His victory knowing He has conquered sin and death.

May these words encourage you in whatever situation you are in right now. There certainly is no place too far, too dark, or too dangerous that is out of reach for Him. There is no reason to hide – He has seen it all, your past, your present, and your future, and yet, He chose to love you still now and forever more.

Sinking in His Love,
Kimberly Subianto

PS. Maybe I need to have more moments of stepping on a sinkhole to get a post up on the blog :p But in all seriousness, I promise to try and be more intentional in writing! Hope to see my next post up soon too.

living past the saturdays.

living past the saturdays.jpg

I’m sitting down here on Easter Monday, trying to remember the last time I took the time to put my thoughts on paper (or blog you shall say). All memories are a blur. Yes. It sure has been a while and I’ve missed it. So, here I find myself pulling myself back from the so-called ‘busy’ schedule, reflecting on my life and sharing it with all of you. Hope this can somewhat speak truth in your life one way or another.

First things first, HAPPY EASTER. For us Christians, it definitely is such a huge celebration. it is indeed the greatest day in history. It meant that Jesus rose from the dead. It meant that He has overcome the power of death. It meant that there is literally nothing – no power so great, no bondages so strong, no pain so agonizing, and no darkness so overwhelming – that is able to defeat the resurrecting power of God. It meant that He is who He said He is. And yes, that truth is what I’ve known since I first became a believer. That truth is what I’ve been telling people about when they asked about my faith. That truth has been what I’ve been proclaiming with my mouth, really, without realizing that at some point along the way, doubts and disbelief start creeping into my heart.

The past few days were an eye-opener to me as I reflected back the story of the cross and the resurrection. I was just walking back home from the office and a thought brought me to a place of… unease. Flashback to the year of 2011, when my dad left for home. Suddenly I was reminded of an idea that emerged in a sixteen-year-old me as I was standing by the casket in denial. I remembered at that moment I thought, “If God is so strong, if God is who He said He is, He must be more than able to do this. He must be strong enough to turn things around. He must be powerful enough to grant me my deepest desire at that moment, and that is, to bring back my dad.” That thought lingered in my mind, and I held on to that hope – at least at that time, that was what I called hope for the ‘better’. Clearly, my thought remains as thought, and life moves on… Though some part of it did not. That same thought has somehow got planted in me, and just a few days ago, I realized I have been holding on to that too tightly. One thing led to another, and there’s a heart with disappointments and doubts all over. I was disappointed, and I had doubts on His so-called resurrecting power – He can’t even turn things around when I asked Him to. At that point, I sense an overwhelming unease and was called to turn around and run to Him.

I have been too focused on wanting THE miracle, without realizing that miracles happen all the time and all around – sometimes in ways we don’t expect.
I realized that I have been defining God’s power in my own terms, when in fact, His power has been working so amazingly throughout my life.
I have believed the beautiful love story of the Cross that happened on Friday, yet have doubted the hopeful story of the Resurrection Sunday.
I have fixed my eyes on the ever-so-loving God for sending His son as the perfect sacrifice for me, but not the ever-so-powerful God who can bring new life.

All this time, I have been living the Saturdays.

Yes, I thought that His power will only be shown in ways I thought seem powerful, i.e. bringing the dead back to life. But in fact, He has done it all along. He has brought my dead hope back to life. He has turned my sorrow into an inexpressible joy. He has led me from the dead end to a new path. He has overcome the darkness with His light. He has been so powerful, and He has been so real. So I don’t know what else is there to prove Him otherwise.

As I read back the story of Good Friday leading up to Easter, I wondered what the disciples must’ve felt like on the Saturdays. I mean, they expected Jesus to save them, and yet, He was found so helpless up on the cross and eventually put into the grave. They must really be struggling in wrapping their head around what Jesus said. They must really be starting to doubt on the very words of Jesus. But in their disbelief, God showed up. He never stopped pursuing us.

“Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise.” And they remembered his words, and returning from the tomb they told all these things to the eleven and to all the rest. 10 Now it was Mary Magdalene and Joanna and Mary the mother of James and the other women with them who told these things to the apostles, 11 but these words seemed to them an idle tale, and they did not believe them12 But Peter rose and ran to the tomb; stooping and looking in, he saw the linen cloths by themselves; and he went home marveling at what had happened.” (Luke 24:5-12)

 In the midst of my disbelief, I want to be found like Peter. Rising up and running to search for the truth. To rise up and seek the Living. To rise up and be reminded of the resurrecting power that has been so evident in my life. And to rise up in awe and wonders as I marvel at what had happened.

Friends, let this be an encouragement to you all! In whatever season in your life you’re in right now, maybe some things went in a different way than what you’ve expected, or maybe you felt like your hope is gone and it seems so dark all around you, rise and run. Don’t get stuck on your Fridays or Saturdays. As much as it is amazing to dwell in His love for us demonstrated on the Cross, seek for His powerful truth and live past your Saturdays. Rise up on Sunday and run and seek for the Living. He is ALIVE and His resurrecting power is alive in us too. Truly, He is who He said He is.

Faithful He has been; faithful He will be ♡

In Awe and Wonders of Him,
Kimberly Subianto

twenty fifteen.


Where do I even start. 2015 has been one crazy year in many different ways. The uphill and the downhill, the thick and the thins, the joy and the mourning, the laughter and the tears, every single of them makes my 2015. My year has been filled with tremendous amount of blessing and favour, but to say that it was an easy year for me to get through would be a lie, because it certainly isn’t. And well, through it all, I can sincerely say that I am grateful everything that happened, happened. As I reflected back on my experiences throughout the year of twenty fifteen, I realized that there are at least four lessons on life that I can learn from my life.

  1. Life is short. Real short.

    I think many of us know this at the back of your mind. I mean, people tell you all the time. Life is short, so you gotta live it right, they said. But almost all the time our actions just don’t follow through. I learned it the hard way, but I finally get it I guess. Sometimes I kept on saying to myself, if only I knew my brother’s life is THAT short, I would have shown more that I love him, spent more time talking with him, went the extra mile to reach out and enjoy life with him. Yes, I have my own regrets, but you know what, it just means that I gotta learn from that. I started asking myself these questions as I approach 2016. “If life is short, what am I going to do with it today? If life is short, what can I give that will make a difference in someone’s life? If life is short, have I spent enough time and said enough ‘I love you’s to those who I hold dearly?” Ask yourself these very same questions. Let this be an encouragement for you all to embrace life. Embrace every single part of it. Embrace all that made you laugh. Embrace all that produced tremendous amount of joy. Embrace all that broke you. Embrace all that hurt you. Embrace relationships. Today, let the people you love know that you love them. Call your parents, give your #bae a hug, send your friends a text or two. And along the way, don’t forget to see others who are indeed in need of love – it might be a stranger sitting alone by the food court or the people in the streets who have nothing but themselves. Embrace life.

  2. Life on Earth is simply temporary.

    This one is an eye opener. And a life wake-up call for me. I think over the several years of my life, I have lost a bit of what (who) is precious to me that started to make me realize that life is not only short, but it is also temporary. The course of life we are living right now is nothing compared to what lies beyond death itself – eternity. I have experienced enough loss that has taught me to start running after things that are eternal. Not possession. Not fame. Not fortune. You name it. It puts me in a new perspective of almost all the things that I do. Just a few weeks back as I was on my exam week, I was studying so hard. (Yeah I’m your typical nerd!) But I was reminded of a question I ended up asking myself, “Am I studying this hard simply to build up my pride here on this temporary life, or am I doing this for something more?” For me, it challenges me to see past beyond what this world can give and to reach for His Kingdom. If there is one thing I started doing differently in my life, it’s to set my priorities straight. Let’s start treasuring and putting values on what’s really valuable and that will last forever, and let’s stop chasing after what’s temporary and can be gone tomorrow.

  3. ­Life is what you make out of it.

    This year, I have the pleasure of journeying life alongside my lovely boyfriend, Tim. I am so grateful for him and how he has been such a great impact in my life. One of the many things I’ve learned from him is to see the glass half full. No matter how terrible a situation is, there is always something to be grateful for as long as you open your eyes big enough to see it (although his eyes is not too big anyway :p lol just kidding bool). Sure, sometimes it’s just almost impossible to see where everything is going, but that’s where faith really comes in. And we can always come back to point number 3. Aside from that, more often than not, Tim continues to remind me that our life is not defined by the circumstances that happened in our lives, it is defined by who we really and how we make out of it. We should not let the things occurring around us determine how we act and respond. I mean, it’s true. We can plan life, but the truth is, we cannot control life. We can arrange so many things in our lives, but sometimes things just don’t go our way and that’s how life works. And anyway, if life happens just as how we have planned it to be, where is all the excitement? And so yes, what matters is how we respond to those. We do not have control over the things that happen in our lives, but we do have control over how we respond to those. So guys, know that when storms hit you, you have the option to keep paddling or to drown!

  4. Life apart from God is a life I do not want.

    Saving the best for the last, it’s my faith journey. It was an adventurous one this year. Tears were shed along the way, mourning was not a stranger to me, old scars were healed while new ones were made, but despite all of those, God is proven faithful. There is this one night just a couple of months ago where I was brought to a place of total peace and comfort, knowing that God is more than able to give hope. Because really, I couldn’t have survived this life without that hope He gives in my life. That same night, I can boldly say that to be in the hands of God is the safest place to be. Yes, even though you are drenched in your tears, even though you are broken from head to toe, even though the storms are just out of control, as long as I’m in his hands, I’m more than okay. Today, I thank God for His life and His presence in my life, and I don’t want to live this life out of Him.

There are so many things I’ve learned from 2015, and I am deeply grateful for that. Grateful for all the things that happened this year. Grateful for all the challenges that shaped me to who I am today. Grateful for all the people who have stayed by me through it all. Grateful for all the love poured upon me day after day. I can say that I am better than who I was a year ago, and I cannot wait to explore more of myself and His will in my life in the coming year. Definitely excited for what’s to come in the new year. Excited for the hardships that will make me stronger than who I was. Excited to meet and get to know new people. Excited to witness how God will work in my life through my talents and my brokenness.

  1. It’s gonna be a good one. Come at me.

Happy New Year, 2016, everyone! Live more, laugh louder, and love harder!

Kimberly Subianto

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. // 1 Corinthians 15:10