three weeks in.

2017 09 20 three weeks in

It has been exactly 23 days since I landed in London. So, am I officially a Londoner yet? Well, not quite. There have not been enough days where I’ve become a tourist in my own city – yes, it’s been quite busy these couple of weeks settling in my new home and business school. If there is one word to describe my experience in London so far, it would be overwhelming. I am not entirely sure if it is in a good way or otherwise.

Overwhelming it has been indeed, and honestly, it is more so in terms of the “more important” things in life – school and career. To be fair, I should have seen this coming. I am in a post-grad course where we are expected to figure out or at least have a sense of what we are doing in the real world after we have completed the course. But yes, being in business school is something out of the ordinary. And no, I am not just talking about the business attire I am expected to wear every now and then (although I am not too fond of it either). I am talking about all the company presentations, recruitment evenings, CV/cover letter reviews, interview preps, career workshops and just about anything else that kind of help you get a job. Oh, not forgetting all the courses I have little or no prior knowledge about. It gets to a point where I literally have to play the “I need to check my calendar first” card before setting up a lunch/dinner plan with a friend. It’s intense. Believe me.

It is easy to be drowned in all these events and to-do lists, but I actually did not fully realize my current state until these past few nights. I had a hard time falling to sleep – it must be because of the countless appointments and deadlines spread across the calendar. So, what do I do when I get to this point? Kim being Kim, she takes a walk. A long walk (FUN FACT: scientists have proven that walking can soothe your brain; AND it helps me close the move wring on my apple watch haha). And what does Kim do during her walk? She reflects.

 

Well, I don’t actually have to sign up for all those events.”
Hmm, but it is essential for my future – I gotta start before the time runs out.
“What if they tell us something important at the presentation?”
“Uhh, everyone is prepping for case interviews already, and I have like zero experience.”

 Fear of failure. I guess know that has been driving me all along. I mean, it’s great – it has ‘motivated’ me to be where I am today, but I know it is only healthy to a certain extent. There is just something inside me that continues to push myself towards perfection, which then leads me to have this mindset of I-gotta-do-this-I-gotta-do-that, or else I won’t succeed.

One phrase stood out during my walk home though. Rest and remember.

Rest, not because I know it is not the end of the world if I don’t do everything, but because I know that everything has been figured out by the One who made it all. What was I thinking – I am here not supposed to have it all together or to know it all, I am here to be human. Human who, in all her imperfections, can fail at times but eventually pick herself back up, discover and become who she was made to be. There is so much noise around about what you should accomplish and the standards set by the society you need to meet. Heck, everyone is on a different journey, and we need to embrace our own.

Remember, not for the sake of listing my achievements, but for the sake of building up my own confidence in myself. Look how far you’ve gone – how did you even find your way here? With all the ambiguity thrown at you, how did you make it to where you are today? So I force myself to take a step back today and acknowledge the journey I have been on – the struggles I have overcame, the hurdles I have jumped over and the failures I have learned from. Remember and be reassured that we’ve got this. No, things will not get easier, but we will get better and stronger than who we are the day before. Press on. We’ll get there.

To rest and to remember. That goes to the top of my to-do list today, or for the rest of this crazy year ahead. Let us not allow the situation to dictate our actions, but let us instead take initiative over the things that are within our control. Rest and remember, but don’t quit. As much as I want to just let go of everything and instead go to all the places in UK/EU and indulge on all the amazing food here, I think this season of discomfort is good for me. Don’t take it easy, take it one day at a time.

Much love,
Kim

“Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

 

 

 

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you only live once.

you only live once

My brother’s passing definitely is another wake up call that life is indeed short. Life is too short to be wasted. Life is too short to be spent on things that don’t matter much to you. Life is too short to be filled with much stress and anxiety. Life is too short to not love people. Life is too short to be lived for myself. Life is too short to be left purposeless.

Yesterday, I watched the movie ‘The Bucket List’. It was rather a serious, yet meaningful movie about life. It said, 96% of the thousand people surveyed claimed that if they were given the choice to know the exact date they will die, they wouldn’t want to know. And if I were given the choice? I’d say I’d fall under the majority. Many would say that by knowing the exact ending point of your life, you could cross out more things on your bucket list, accomplish greater things, develop more meaningful relationship, or even live your life in a more purposeful way. I don’t know. It can definitely go both ways. Knowing the end of your earthly life might also drive you towards fear. The fear of not doing enough. The fear of not being the best you can be just yet. The fear of saying goodbye. And of course, the fear of death itself. So rather than focusing on death, why not focus on the life given. On being present right here, right now. Besides, I’ve always believed that this life we live is just a preparatory stage of what’s eternal.

The term ‘YOLO’ has been used ever so abusively and has in fact, lose its significant meaning. You only live once and that is so very true.

You only live once, embrace more of it.
You only live once, do more good.
You only live once, bring out more smiles.
You only live once, see more beauty in this world.
You only live once, laugh more often.
You only live once, find more joy.
You only live once, love more.
You only live once, live it right.

My dear friends, we only live once and for most of us, we don’t know when exactly will it end. Life… It’s full of the unknowns, the uncertainties. We don’t know what’s coming ahead of us. But we do know that we are living in the present, and we for sure can live it like there’s no tomorrow. I figured I’ve gone through enough to remind me of the continual grace as I wake up every morning and find myself still breathing. It’s another day to live. It’s another day for me to maybe skydive, or to maybe hike the Mt. Everest. Haha in all seriousness though, it’s another day God has given us to taste more of His love and goodness. It’s another day to appreciate the people around you before it’s too late. It’s another day to lend a helping hand to another self. It’s another day to do more – be it for God, for your loved ones, for yourself, or even for strangers. You are no accident, and you have a purpose – seek it, and chase after it! This life you live, may it be as meaningful as you are, as purposeful as you are, as beautiful as you are.

Thank you for letting me share my life with you all.

YOLO,
Kimberly Subianto

“Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?”
-The Bucket List